One Month

Maddox is already a month old.

 Technically he's 5 weeks but I'm in denial that he's growing so I'll stick with 1 month. To say that this last month has been crazy, busy and a blur would be a vast understatement. It's been a struggle to adjust and find our new routine, something that is always common with a new baby. However, this time around I feel like it's magnified and maybe that has to do with the fact that there are 3 other little boys running around my feet, demanding my attention, but maybe it doesn't, I guess I'll never know. We've been struggling with jaundice, a horrible infection, breastfeeding, gaining weight and sleepless nights.

 I've breastfed 3 children until they were one. Breastfeeding is such a natural enjoyable thing for me to do, but honestly, this time around, I've come close to quitting more times that I can count.  It's been an uphill battle and we've yet to reach the top. I've cried, pumped, met with a lactation consultant, pumped some more and sought advice from my wonderful girlfriends and nothing seems to make this any better. I can't seem to figure out why I have so much trouble this time around. Is it me? Is it Maddox? Am I not patient enough? Mother's guilt can be a horrible burden. I'm trying to be patient but right now that is being tested to the limit. What doesn't kill us can only make us stronger.

I'm also convinced at this stage of the game that Maddox will be 16 before he sleeps through the night. Good grief child, you need to sleep longer then 2 hours. Your killing your mommy! While it seems there is lots to complain about there is also lots to rejoice in. Like his little fingers and his little toes, his fuzzy hair and wandering eyes, his clean baby smell and his tiny little diapers, and mostly, the way he snuggles in his big brother's arms.

It's going fast and I'm desperate to enjoy this time and remember his tiny little body. So while I'm struggling with many parts of being a new mommy again, I'm also delighted in being a new mommy again. This ride called motherhood is bumpy but I'm holding on tight and trying to enjoy the ride.